FSB Author Article
Valentine's Day: A Date Which Will Live In
Infamy
By Mark Svartz,
Author of I Hate You, Kelly Donahue
On the night of February 14th, millions of happy couples around the world will express their undying love for each other as they celebrate the holiday known as Valentine's Day. Meanwhile, millions of single people will be home alone on this night of romance -- in the case of girls, eating pints of Haagen-Dazs while watching The Notebook and, in the case of guys, fantasizing about single girls who are home alone eating Haagen-Dazs while watching The Notebook.
Now, in theory, that doesn't sound so bad. I like undying love. I like ice cream. I like fantasizing. But for some unexplainable reason, I HATE VALENTINE'S DAY!
And I know what you're thinking. Cue the obligatory antivalentinist objections we've heard over and over. "It's manufactured romance!" and "It's a fabricated Hallmark holiday designed to encourage commercialism!" Well, sir, to those complaints I say, "Poppycock!" (And I almost never say "Poppycock!" so you know I really mean it.)
First off, who the hell cares that it's forcing people to be romantic? Woe is me, for we have to endure a universally mandated day of kissing and under-the-shirt-over-the-bra boob touching. Oh the horror! Sorry to disappoint you, but Valentine's Day is no one's Vietnam. If you need a day to gripe about, shift your objections to Flag Day. Forcing romance is way less offensive than forcing flag.
And as for the ol' anti-consumerism angle, I'd buy your argument, but then you'd probably just yell at me for buying it. Honestly, I hate Valentine's Day as much as the next guy, but not because of consumerism. Hell, I love consumerism. I love it so much, I might just buy it some heart-shaped chocolates. Sure, consumerism leaves a bitter taste in the mouth when it comes to extravagant excesses like fur coats and heroin. But when we're talking about positive, feel-good purchases like flowers, candy, and humor novels that have been referred to as "demented and hilarious," "laugh-out-loud," and "a book that will be remembered for a long, long time" -- consumerism is A-OK with me.
So, why do I hate Valentine's Day? Well . . . cause I just do! It's just one of those guttural reactions, kind of like how I despise black licorice, hairless cats, and Pat Sajak. The heart hates what the heart hates. And since I'm sure there are others out there who share this same innate disgust for February 14th, I will now give you five irrefutable reasons to validate your derision.
1. Indian Airlines Flight 605
What happened on this flight? Oh no biggie, it just crashed on
Valentine's Day in 1990, killing 92 innocent people. Why did it
crash, you ask? I dunno, maybe because of "Failure of the pilots
to realize the gravity of the situation and respond immediately
towards proper action of moving the throttles, in spite of
knowing that the plane was in idle/open descent mode." Hmm, sounds
like a couple of pilots were too busy celebrating this day of love
to focus on not-murdering Indian people. Thank you for crashing
planes, Valentine's Day!
2. Rob Thomas
If there was no February 14th, one Robert Kelly "Rob" Thomas would
never have been born in West Germany in 1972. And if Rob Thomas
would never have been born, the band Matchbox 20 would never have
been formed. And if Matchbox 20 would never have been formed, the
song "3 A.M." would never have been written. And if the song "3
A.M." would never have been written, I would never have felt the
urge to stab my eardrums with a screwdriver every time I turned on
the radio from February '98-July '99. Thank you for ruining 18
months of my life, Valentine's Day!
3. Ras Marye of Yejju Marches into Tigray and Defeats and
Kills Dejazmach Sabagadis in the Battle of Debre Abbay
Do you remember where you were on February 14, 1831? Well, if you
were Dejazmach Sabagadis, you'd be in Tigray, getting defeated and
killed by Ras Marye of Yejju in the Battle of Debre Abbay. And it
would suck so hard! Thank you for allowing Ras Marye of Yejju to
march into Tigray and defeat and kill Dejazmach Sabagadis in the
Battle of Debre Abbay, Valentine's Day!
4. Arizona
On February 14, 1912, Arizona was admitted as the 48th U.S. state,
producing such notable Arizonians as Republican Senator John
McCain, The Family Circus creator Bil Keane, and David Spade.
Thanks for nothing, Valentine's Day! [NOTE: If this piece runs in
any Arizona papers, just on the off chance that some of them are
literate, let's replace Arizona with the equally insignificant
Oregon, which was also admitted as a U.S. state on February 14th.
And instead of the "notable" Arizonians, let's go with such
"celebrated" Oregonians as sportscaster Ahmad Rashad, Miss Teen
USA 2003 Tami Farrell, and . . . hell, just go with Sally
Struthers.]
5. The Day Love Died
February 14th is supposed to be known for love, eh? Well I seem to
remember it as the day love died. On this day in 1989, boxer Mike
Tyson and actress Robin Givens officially got divorced, ending one
of the most passionate romances in the history of humankind. But
you don't see that printed on a greeting card, do you? You don't
see I DIVORCE YOU stamped on any heart-shaped candies. If a love
as true as that of Mike & Robin could fall apart on February
14th, the whole day is a sham. A SHAM! Thank you for destroying
love and turning a shy, harmless, pigeon advocate into a raging,
ear-biting, convicted rapist, Valentine's Day!
Note: Mark Svartz is the author of a new novel, I HATE YOU, KELLY DONAHUE. This humor piece does not reflect the true feelings of the author. He is in fact a huge fan of the great states of Arizona and Oregon, as well as the distinguished work of its citizens, particularly Ahmad Rashad and his beautiful wife, Mrs. Huxtable. He also bears no ill will towards accomplished musician Rob Thomas or Indian Airlines or actor and ornithologist Mike Tyson. But as for Ras Marye of Yejju, he can go to hell. Not cool, Ras Marye of Yejju! Not cool.
© 2012 Mark Svartz, author of I Hate You, Kelly Donahue
Author Bio
Mark Svartz, is an author, artist, and award-winning
advertising creative. Like most kids who were born and raised in
Brooklyn, his lifelong dream was to write a book called I Hate
You, Kelly Donahue. Amazingly, he is the only one who
succeeded. The others are all failures.
This is Mark's first book and to make sure that people find it
online, he will now mention random popular terms that will show up
in searches: Lady Gaga; Obama; porn; Justin Bieber; Twitter; nude
celebs; Oprah; kittens; boobs.
Mark currently lives in New York City and he thinks you are all
awesome.
For more information please visit http://marksvartz.com, or http://ihateyoukellydonahue.com and follow the author on Facebook and Twitter