FSB Author Article
Excerpt
The following is an excerpt from the book What Got You
Here Won't Get You There
by Marshall Goldsmith with Mark Reiter
Published by Hyperion; January
2007;$23.95US/$29.95CAN;
978-14013-0130-9
Copyright © 2007 Marshall Goldsmith
Chapter 9
Listening
Jack Nicklaus said that 80 percent of a successful golf shot begins with a proper grip and how you stand over the ball. In other words, success is almost a foregone conclusion before you exert one muscle.
It’s the same with listening: 80 percent of our success in learning from other people is based upon how well we listen. In other words, success or failure is determined before we do anything.
The thing about listening that escapes most people is that they think of it as a passive activity. You don’t have to do anything. You sit there like a lump and hear someone out.
Not true. Good listeners regard what they do as a highly active process -- with every muscle engaged, especially the brain.
Basically, there are three things that all good listeners do: They think before they speak; they listen with respect; and they’re always gauging their response by asking themselves, “Is it worth it?” Let’s examine each one and see if it makes us better listeners.
Think Before You Speak
The first active choice you have to make in listening is to think before you speak. You can’t listen if you’re talking. So keeping your mouth shut is an active choice (and as we know, for some people it’s tougher to do than bench-pressing 500 pounds).
I don’t know anyone better at it than Frances Hesselbein. Frances is one of my all-time heroes -- someone I respect, admire, and love on a par with my wife and kids. She was the executive director of the Girl Scouts for 13 years during which she revived a sagging organization, increased enrollment, funding, and diversity, and balanced the budget. She has 17 honorary degrees. She received the Presidential Medal of Freedom in 1998 (America’s highest civilian award). Peter Drucker called her the finest executive he’s ever known.
Frances Hesselbein does a lot of things well. But she does one thing superbly above all else. She thinks before she speaks. As a result she is a world-class listener. If you asked her if this was a passive gesture, she would assure you that it requires great discipline, particularly when she is upset about what she’s hearing. After all, what do most of us do when we’re angry? We speak (and not in the carefully measured tones of a diplomat).
What do we do when we’re upset? We talk.
What do we do when we’re confused or surprised or shocked? Again, we talk. This is so predictable that we can see the other party almost cringe in anticipation of our harsh unthinking autoreflex response.
Not so with Frances Hesselbein. You could tell her the world was about to end and she would think before opening her mouth, not only about what she would say but how she would phrase it.
Whereas most people think of listening as something we do during those moments when we are not talking, Frances Hesselbine knows that listening is a two-part maneuver. There’s the part where we actually listen. And there’s the part where we speak. Speaking establishes how we are perceived as a listener. What we say is proof of how well we listen. They are two sides of the same coin.
I defy you to argue that this approach is anything but a highly active, decisive choice. Telling your brain and mouth not to do something is no different than telling them to do it.
If you can master this, you can listen effectively.
Listen with Respect
To learn from people, you have to listen to them with respect. Again, not as easy to do as you might imagine. It too requires the use of unfamiliar muscles.
Has this ever happened to you? You’re reading a book, watching TV, or shuffling papers while your significant other is talking to you. Suddenly you hear, “You’re not listening to me.”
You look up and say, “Yes I am.” And calmly provide a verbatim playback of everything said to prove that you were listening and that your companion in life is . . . wrong.
What have you accomplished by this virtuosic display of your multitasking skills? Was it smart? No. Does your partner think more highly of you? Not likely. Is anyone impressed? Hardly.
The only thing going through your partner’s mind is, “Gee, I thought you weren’t listening. But now I realize it’s a much deeper issue. You’re a complete jerk.”
This is what happens when we listen without showing respect. It’s not enough to keep our ears open; we have to demonstrate that we are totally engaged.
Bill Clinton was the absolute master at this. My wife and I had several opportunities see the President in action in public forums. It didn’t matter if you were a head of state or a bell clerk, when you were talking with Bill Clinton he acted as if you were the only person in the room. Every fiber of his being, from his eyes to his body language, communicated that he was locked into what you were saying. He conveyed how important you were, not how important he was.
If you don’t think this is an active, practically aerobic piece of mental and muscular exertion, try it sometime in a receiving line of 500 people, all of whom regard this brief transaction with you as part of their lifetime highlight reel.
If you’ve never done it, listening with respect makes you sweat.
Ask Yourself, “Is It Worth It?”
Listening also requires us to answer a difficult question before we speak: “Is it worth it?”
The trouble with listening for many of us is that while we’re supposedly doing it, we’re actually busy composing what we’re going to say next.
This is a negative two-fer: You’re not only failing to hear the other person, you’re orchestrating a comment that may annoy them, either because it misses the point, adds meaningless value to the discussion, or worst of all, injects a destructive tone into the mix. Not the desired result of listening. Keep it up and soon you won’t have to worry about listening -- because no one will be talking to you anymore.
When someone tells us something, we have a menu of options to fashion our response. Some of our responses are smart, some are stupid. Some are on point, some miss the point. Some will encourage the other person, some will discourage her. Some will make her feel appreciated, some will not.
Asking “Is it worth it?” forces you to consider what the other person will feel after hearing your response. It forces you to play at least two moves ahead. Not many people do that. You talk. They talk. And so on -- back and forth like a beginner’s chess game where no one thinks beyond the move in front of them. It’s the lowest form of chess; it’s also the lowest grade of listening. Asking, “Is it worth it?” engages you in thinking beyond the discussion to consider (a) how the other person regards you, (b) what that person will do afterwards, and (c) how that person will behave the next time you talk.
That’s a lot of consequences emanating out of “Is it worth it?”
Think about the last time you floated an idea in a meeting and the most senior person in the room (assuming it wasn’t you) ripped you for saying it. It doesn’t matter whether your idea was dumb and the other person’s response was brilliant -- or vice versa. Just think about how you felt. Did you think more highly of the other person saying it? Did it make you appreciate anew that person’s tremendous listening skills? Did it inspire you to go back to your work with fresh enthusiasm? Did it make you more eager to speak up the next time you were in a meeting with that person? I’d wager the answers are no, no, no, and no.
That’s what happens when you respond without asking “Is it worth it?” People not only think you don’t listen, but you have instigated a three-part chain of consequences: (1) they are hurt; (2) they harbor ill feelings toward the person who inflicted the hurt (i.e., they hate you); and (3) in the predictable response to negative reinforcement, they are less likely to repeat the event (i.e., they won’t speak up next time).
Keep it up, and here’s what will happen: Everyone will think you’re an ass (a personal judgment, not necessarily damaging, but certainly not nice). They won’t perform well for you (which damages your reputation as a leader). And they’ll stop giving you ideas (which reduces your knowledge base). This is hardly the formula for leadership success.
One of my clients was the chief operating officer of a multi-billion dollar company (and now the CEO). His goal was to become a better listener and be perceived as a more open-minded boss. After working with him for 18 months, I asked him what was the major learning kernel he got out of the experience. He said, “Before speaking, I take a breath and ask myself one question, ‘Is it worth it?’ I learned that 50 percent of what I was going to say was correct -- maybe -- but saying it wasn’t worth it.”
He learned what Frances Hesselbein knew -- that people’s opinions of our listening ability are largely shaped by the decisions we make immediately after asking, “Is it worth it?” Do we speak or shut up? Do we argue or simply say, “Thank you”? Do we add our needless two cents or bite our tongue? Do we rate the comments or simply acknowledge them?
It’s not up to me to tell you what to say in a meeting. All I’m saying is that you should consider if it’s worth it -- and if you believe it is, speak freely.
This is what my client absorbed. As a result, his scores for being a better listener and an open-minded boss skyrocketed. And he became the CEO.
The implications of “Is it worth it?” are profound -- and go beyond listening. In effect, you are taking the age-old question of self-interest, “What’s in it for me?” one step further to ask, “What’s in it for him?” That’s a profound consequential leap of thought. Suddenly, you’re seeing the bigger picture.
As I say over and over again, this is simple stuff -- but it’s not easy. If you do it, everything will get better. So much of our interpersonal problems at work are formulaic. You say something that ticks me off. I lash back at you. Suddenly, we have an interpersonal crisis (otherwise known as a fight). It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about global warming or whom to hire to make a widget. The content is irrelevant. What matters is how easily we slip into small behavioral patterns that create friction in the workplace -- and how just as easily we could assume behavioral patterns that don’t create friction. That’s why simple disciplines -- such as thinking before speaking, listening with respect, and asking, “Is it worth it?” -- work. They don’t require nuance. We just need to do them.
Excerpted from WHAT GOT YOU HERE WON’T GET YOU THERE by Marshall Goldsmith with Mark Reiter. Copyright 2007 Marshall Goldsmith. All rights reserved. Published by Hyperion. Available wherever books are sold.