FSB Author Article
Accept Thyself
By Tal Ben Shahar,
Author of The Pursuit of Perfect: How
to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer,
Happier
Life
"I am a human being: nothing human is foreign to me."
-Terentius
It was when I welcomed unhappiness, that I became happier. My most
significant psychological breakthrough came when I realized, truly
internalized the notion, that it was OK for me to be sad, that there
was nothing wrong with feeling dispirited, stressed, lonely, or anxious
-- that it was just fine to be human. Allowing myself to freely
experience negative emotions did not only weaken these sentiments, it
also intensified the positive ones.
Acceptance is a prerequisite for a healthy emotional life. When we
accept ourselves, when we welcome everything that is human about us, we
open up a space within which we can act, and feel. If we repress an
emotional reaction and refuse to accept it -- whether anger or
disappointment or joy -- we create a knot in the channels that make up
our emotional system. The same system is used for the flow of all
emotions -- positive and negative -- and if we block the flow of one
emotion it affects our ability to experience other emotions. For
example, if I do not accept my agitation after having made a mistake I
will hinder my ability to experience joy when something good happens to
me.
At the onset of negative emotions we have a choice -- to stifle and
reject or to accept and experience. What we choose to do at that moment
affects our emotional life in general because the emotional system as a
whole is affected. Closing off the emotional valve to the flow of
negative emotions inevitably restricts future flow of positive
emotions. We cannot eat the cake (deny the free flow of negative
emotions) and leave it whole (enjoy the free flow of positive
emotions). Pain and joy are two sides of the same coin and there is a
symmetry between our capacity to experience one and the other. In the
words of psychologist Abraham Maslow: "By protecting himself against
the hell within himself, he also cuts himself off from the heaven
within."
We can't have it both ways -- stifling negative emotions while
expecting a free flow of positive ones. We have to choose whether or
not to allow ourselves to fully experience our humanity -- its sorrows,
at times, but also its joys.
To accept ourselves is not necessarily to like what we did or to
approve of it, but rather to forgive ourselves. To forgive, in
Sanskrit, is to untie -- when we forgive we untie an emotional knot and
unclog the emotional system. And it is when we allow our emotions to
flow freely -- when we experience the lows and the highs, the pain and
the pleasure, the sorrows and joys -- that we are, as we can and ought
to be, fully human.
©2009 Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D, author
of The Pursuit of Perfect: How
to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer,
Happier
Life
Author Bio
Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., author of The Pursuit of Perfect: How
to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer,
Happier
Life, is
the New York Times bestselling author of Happier. He
taught one of the most popular courses in Harvard's history, and he
currently consults and lectures around the world to multinational
organizations, the general public, and at-risk populations. He
obtained his Ph.D. in organizations behavior and his B.A. in
philosophy and psychology from Harvard.
For more information, visit www.talbenshahar.com