FSB Author Article
Just Let Go
By Tal Ben Shahar,
Author of The Pursuit of Perfect: How
to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer,
Happier
Life
"The important work of moving the world
forward does not wait to be done by perfect men"
-George Eliot
We are constantly bombarded with perfection. Adonis on the cover of
Men'sHealth and Helen on the cover of Vogue; women and men getting
together on the larger-than-life screen, resolving conflicts in two
hours or less, delivering perfect lines, making perfect love. Parents
and teachers exalt the flawless 'A'; college admission officers expect
resumes without end. We've all heard our self-help Gurus tell us that
there is no limit to our potential, that what we can believe we can
achieve, that where there's a will there's a way. We've been told that
we can find bliss if only we follow the road not taken, or the road
taken by our serene spiritual leader -- the one with the best smile on
the cover of the New York Times best seller.
The yearning for perfection has its roots in the Garden of Eden, having
descended there from Heaven; it blossomed throughout Western
Philosophy, first in the shape of Plato's forms, and then in the form
of Weber's ideal types. "When Plato wrote that everything on earth has
its ideal version in heaven," says Diane Ackerman, "many took what he
said literally. But for me the importance of Plato's ideal forms lies
not in their truth but in our desire for the flawless." The desire for
the flawless condemns us to perpetual displeasure with who we are:
"Even the most comely of us feel like eternally ugly ducklings who
yearn to be transformed into swans."
Who among us has not, at times, allowed an awareness of our
shortcomings to overshadow our triumphs and achievements? Is the flesh
and blood behind the Adonic picture wholly satisfied with his
relationships, or his investments, and does he not feel threatened by
next month's cover boy? Is the non-digitally-enhanced Helen totally
happy with her skin or SAT scores, and is she indifferent to the
ticking of the clock and the omnipresent force of gravity?
The antidote to perfectionism is acceptance. When we do not accept our
flaws, we focus on them constantly -- we magnify them and deny
ourselves the silent satisfaction of serenity. Imagine spending a year
in school -- reading and writing and learning -- without concern for
the report card at the end of the ride. Or being in a relationship
without the need to mask imperfections. Or getting up in the morning
and embracing the man, or woman, in the mirror.
Acceptance, however, is not the panacea for perfectionism, and
expecting it to work miracles will only lead to further unhappiness. In
our search for serenity through acceptance, we inevitably experience
much turmoil. Swayed by promises of heaven on earth, lured by sirens in
the odyssey toward self acceptance, we look for perfect tranquility --
and when we do not find it, we feel frustrated, disillusioned. And it
is, indeed, an illusion that we can be perfectly accepting and hence
perfectly serene. For can anyone living sustain the eternal tranquility
of a Mona Lisa?
There is no end point in the journey toward tranquility, no final
destination where we have completely accepted ourselves. The place of
eternal bliss and serenity, as far as I can tell, exists only in dreams
and magazines -- not in the valley of green pastures nor on a mountain
top above the clouds. So rather than following Sisyphus' footsteps, why
not just drop the burden, let go of the myth of perfection? Why not be
a little bit easier on ourselves and accept that to experience fear,
jealousy, anger, and, at times, to be unaccepting of ourselves, is
simply, and perfectly, human.
©2009 Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D, author
of The Pursuit of Perfect: How
to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer,
Happier
Life
Author Bio
Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., author of The Pursuit of Perfect: How
to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer,
Happier
Life, is
the New York Times bestselling author of Happier. He
taught one of the most popular courses in Harvard's history, and he
currently consults and lectures around the world to multinational
organizations, the general public, and at-risk populations. He
obtained his Ph.D. in organizations behavior and his B.A. in
philosophy and psychology from Harvard.
For more information, visit www.talbenshahar.com