FSB Author Article
Permission to Feel
By Tal Ben Shahar,
Author of The Pursuit of Perfect: How
to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer,
Happier
Life
"One's suffering disappears when one lets oneself go, when one
yields -- even to sadness"
-Antoine de Saint-Exupיry
Imagine Main Street if we didn't rein in our
emotions. Rude comments tossed at a passersby who fails to meet our
unrefined esthetic sensibilities; obscenities running wild each time
our expectations are frustrated; an uninvited growl and then a leap at
a sexual object walking past. The rules of the jungle -- the product of
impulse, impatience, and untamed power -- would launch a hostile
take-over of our concrete jungles. Fortunately, we learn to suppress
our base instincts, to civilize our uncivilized urges -- to hide our
raw feelings and tame the ignoble savage.
Social ties would not hold, things would fall apart, if our emotions
were always exposed. For who among us has not had an indecent feeling
toward our colleague or best friend, that, if revealed, would endanger
a partnership or relationship? Have we not all, in our minds and
hearts, transgressed, violated in our imagination the most sacred
commandments that hold our society intact -- lusted after our
neighbor's partner, felt enraged enough to hurt another? So we become
socialized and learn to impose emotion controls, issue restraining
orders on our feelings. There are clear benefits to concealing some
emotions, but there are also costs: like most human interventions with
nature, the socialization process produces side effects.
While it's at times necessary to keep certain emotions out of sight
(when we're on the street), it's harmful to try to keep them out of
mind (when we are alone). Holding ourselves to the same standards in
solitude, denying ourselves the permission to experience unwanted
emotions or feel indecent feelings when we are alone, is potentially
harmful to our well-being.
We are told that it is "improper" to display our anxiety when listening
to a lecture, so we suppress any form of anxiety when we're writing in
our journal. We learn that it is indecent to cry while sitting in a
streetcar, and so we hold in our tears even when we are in the shower.
Anger does not win us friends, and over time we lose our ability to
express anger in solitude. We extinguish our anxiety, fear, and anger
for the sake of being pleasant, nice to be around -- and in the process
of getting others to accept us, we reject ourselves.
When we keep emotions in -- when we suppress or repress, ignore or
avoid -- we pay a high price. Much has been written about the cost of
suppression to our psychological well-being. Sigmund Freud and his
followers have established the connection between repression and
unhappiness; eminent psychologists like Nathaniel Branden and Carl
Rogers have illustrated how we hurt our self-esteem when we deny our
feelings. And it is not only our psychological well-being that is
influenced by our emotions, but our physical well-being as well. Since
emotions are both cognitive and physical -- effecting and being
effected by our thoughts and physiology -- suppressing emotions
influences the mind and the body.
The link between the mind and the body in the field of medicine has
been well established -- from the placebo effect to the evidence tying
stress and suppression with physical aches and pains. According to Dr.
John Sarno, a physician and a professor at New York University School
of Medicine, back pain, carpal tunnel syndrome, headaches, and other
symptoms are often "a response to the need to keep those terrible,
antisocial, unkind, childish, angry, selfish feelings . . . from
becoming conscious." Because there is less of a stigma in our culture
against physical pain than against emotional dis-ease, our subconscious
mind diverts attention -- our own and others' -- from the emotional to
the physical.
The prescription Sarno offers to thousands of his patients is to
acknowledge their negative feelings, to accept their anxiety, anger,
fear, jealousy, or confusion. In many of the cases, the mere permission
to experience one's emotions does not only make the physical symptom go
away, it alleviates the negative feelings as well.
Psychotherapy works because the client allows the free flow of emotions
-- positive and negative. In a set of experiments, psychologist James
Pennebaker demonstrated that students who, on four consecutive days,
spent twenty minutes writing about difficult experiences, were happier
and physically healthier in the long run. The mere act of "opening up"
can set us free. Pennebaker, supporting Sarno's findings, recognizes
that "Once we understand the link between a psychological event and a
recurring health problem, our health improves." (p.9)
While we do not need to scream while walking on Main Street, or shout
at our boss who makes us angry, we should, when possible, provide a
channel for the expression of our emotions. We can talk to a friend
about our anger and anxiety, write in our journal about our fear or
jealousy, and, at times, in solitude or in the presence of someone we
trust, allow ourselves to shed a tear -- of sorrow or of joy.
©2009 Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D, author
of The Pursuit of Perfect: How
to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer,
Happier
Life
Author Bio
Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D., author of The Pursuit of Perfect: How
to Stop Chasing Perfection and Start Living a Richer,
Happier
Life, is
the New York Times bestselling author of Happier. He
taught one of the most popular courses in Harvard's history, and he
currently consults and lectures around the world to multinational
organizations, the general public, and at-risk populations. He
obtained his Ph.D. in organizations behavior and his B.A. in
philosophy and psychology from Harvard.
For more information, visit www.talbenshahar.com