FSB Author Article
Motherhood Brings Meaning, But Maybe Not How You
Thought It Would
By Laura Berman Fortgang,
Author of The Little Book on Meaning: Why We Crave It, How We Create It
It's long been assumed that
motherhood brings meaning to our lives. We guide, love, nurture and
support our offspring and sometimes feel appreciated in return -- all
elements that can fuel our connectedness and satisfaction in the
world. It's easy to find meaningful moments as a mom, but it's
when things are tough that it seems we don't know how to interpret
what meaning is. What if the greatest reward and meaning of being a
mother is the growth our children force us to do?
Being a parent is a very hard job no
matter how you slice it, but to further the true blessing that
children are is to work equally hard on being conscious and mindful
of the growth our kids call forth in us. Perhaps your patience needs
work or your critical side needs to be quieted or you need to learn
compassion or you could stand to give up some perfectionism. Parenting
in a kind and loving way can only come if we face these
issues in ourselves. Maybe this is the true meaning behind being in
relationship with these souls.
There is no greater hot button for me
than feeling rendered irrelevant or ineffective. Not being able to
calm and fussy baby or now, a pre-teen who is convinced they are
unpopular and therefore unworthy of living are circumstances that can
set me off into an irrational frustration that usually results in an
ugly scene. I might yell or let something come out of my mouth that
is less than constructive. Shame follows instantly but it has taken
years to massage this issue into a submissive state where I can stay
reasonably conscious and restrain from acting out of a lower
consciousness. (i.e. dysfunctional behavior)
I know better. I teach people how to
communicate more effectively, I teach spiritual concepts, I have
practiced yoga and meditation. Why is this still hard? Because this
is the real work. These children (I have a total of three) make me
face my own demons, my own feelings of helplessness or unworthiness. It
is only as I work through them that I can really be free and
present for them. It is only through their presence refining me, the
grain sand in the oyster, that a pearl will emerge. A pearl that
brightens things for everyone once the work is done.
Don't get me wrong, it's not about
mom being perfect before she can parent. It's about the path that
dishes out its bumps and makes us better because of them. Our
children are part of those bumps. Their problems are our problems,
their personalities hand picked to iron out the wrinkles in our
being, their triumphs ours to hope we had something to do with.
Each of my children shines a spotlight
on the places where my capacity for love can stand to grow. Of
course, they are all talented and beautiful and I love them more than
anything, but they also grow me. And growth is often painful or at
least uncomfortable. They are here FOR us -- to grow us -- they don't
come to us to just be lovely adornments to our life who exist to make
us happy.
My fussy baby/pre-teen is very
sensitive and TLC from mom is often not effective. I am still
working on the patience and bandwidth needed to find an entry to his
psyche that allows comfort and connection. It comes often but it's
an unpredictable series of attempts through the maze of his wiring to
open him back to breathing at ease with the flow of life. It's work
and it's a testament to love that we hang in there together to get
back to it.
My middle child can be petulant and
needs to be right at all costs. ARGH! Despite being beautiful,
caring and talented in many creative ways, her resistance is a common
stumbling block to discipline, cooperation and negotiation. Our
relationship causes me to be confronted with my own need to be right.
It took me a couple of years to learn that a power struggle was not
going to be the answer.
I had to give up the fight to be right and learn not to be hooked by the pull of that game. I found a way to stay above the fray like a mature adult should (if they didn't have their own wounds) and guide her to her own answers that often show her how very mistaken her logic is! Of course, I don't gloat but I have finally learned to unhook from the drama that she is so good at creating.
My youngest has introduced me to the
world of having a child with special needs. He's had a seizure
disorder and we've entered the world of special education. After
four years, we have suddenly gone into remission and are hoping to be
pronounced cured soon. The growth being asked of me through this
child has been about trusting my judgment before that of experts and
advocating for my child medically and education-wise. He has grown
me into a warrior. Not a barbaric warrior, but rather a force to
reckoned with who will draw on whatever strength I may not have even
known I had to do right by him. Despite doubt, worry and sleepless
nights, the challenge has been to remain mentally strong enough to
keep looking for solutions and believe in my son's ability to heal.
Trying to stay in love instead of in fear. This has been part of my
personal journey and what I work with clients on and here, it has
been tested more and more.
Meaningful connections as mothers?
Certainly! Always a sunny, easy ride? Hardly ever! Our children
are in reality ministers to our soul's growth. They have a higher
calling then whatever their careers turn out to be. We have to let
our little ministers to their very big work. Even if we, their
mothers, are the greatest work they came to transform.
©2009 Laura Berman Fortgang, author of The Little Book on Meaning: Why We Crave It, How We Create It
Author Bio
Laura Berman Fortgang, author of The Little Book on Meaning:
Why We Crave It, How We Create It, is a nationally renowned speaker
and life
coach, helping individuals, small businesses, and corporations forge
new directions and weather change. Recently ordained
as an interfaith minister, she lives in Montclair, New Jersey.