FSB Author Article
On
Saying Goodbye to a Drama King
By
Charles
left her, just left altogether with no satisfactory explanation. Just
announced, after six months of a hot-house infatuation that had swept
her off
her feet, “Sorry, Miranda, this isn’t working” -- said it not even
kindly, at
that -- and said he wanted out. He wasn’t interested in hearing why
Miranda
thought that in fact it was
working; that it was a relationship and relationships needed a little
working out now and
again. No, he didn’t want to hear
it. For him, it was the end. Discussion over.
And
he never came back.
It
always seems unthinkable, this scenario in which a lover not only
leaves, but
leaves abruptly; runs you over like a train, as if whatever you had
together
was a meaningless diversion and you, well, you were just something to
be left
on the side of the curb like roadkill. In all my years of writing about
love,
this form of goodbye is the one that draws the most letters from
readers.
Or
maybe you weren’t dumped by a Hit & Run lover but are limping along
with
someone I call The Visitor -- a man who comes and goes at whim and
cannot
commit to anything other than a measly, “Hey, so, maybe we’ll get
together a
week from Tuesday, if I don’t have to work and if my mother isn’t
coming into
town? Or maybe another night that week, maybe? Or something? Whatever.”
He’s
someone who ascends on you for food, drink, sex -- and may or may not
stop by
again sometime soon, as if you were the owner of a Bed & Breakfast,
and you
run a good enough establishment for him to return sometime to be served
and
nurtured again, but only at his leisure.
How
do you ever find closure when you’ve been decimated by a Hit & Run?
How do
you find love with a Visitor who can’t even commit to a definite date?
How do
you, a 21st century woman, busy and happy and self-sufficient and more
successful than women ever were before, extract love and commitment
from a 20th century
man? For yes, these men -- I
call them Drama Kings because they’re solo performers, one-man shows
who still
long for an ancient, man-centric universe -- still think the world
revolves
around them. They still think women are put on earth to please them --
but
haven’t the talent nor the inclination to return the favor.
How
do you cut your losses? I’ll tell you how. You pick yourself up, dust
yourself
off, and start all over again. You remind yourself that you’re lucky to
get
out. That these guys are exhausting and will always drain you dry. You
are too
busy, and much too evolved, for this nonsense.
You
do not call the Hit & Run lover on his cell phone to locate him,
nor to
find out why you were so unceremoniously dumped. (You’ll only be
humiliated
over again. You’ll only hear the most chilling replies -- “Oh, it’s
you. Um,
yeah I know I left you on the side of the road, but I’m busy.” Or, “No,
I
really don’t want to talk about it.”) You do not try to make a Visitor
become a
grown-up man who can commit to something more than a “Whatever.” You
remember
one thing, and one thing only: You do not NEED this man. You have a
roof over
your head. You are a smart, darling, self-sufficient, loving woman who
wants a
smart, darling loving man. He is out there, but this one is not the
one.
When
you’re hurt by a Drama King -- of which The Hit & Run and the
Visitor are
but two of five types -- you’ve been hurt by a man who doesn’t care how
he
behaves. Who doesn’t care to become deeply attached. Like a skilled
performer,
he only pretended he wanted a relationship, pretended he was fit for
love, but
in the end, sabotaged them both.
So
before we focus on your heartbreak, I want to remind you: Why do you always feel
exhausted with
Drama Kings? Because they sap
your energy.
Why do you always feel
lonely in
your relationship with them? Because
they
refuse to get close. Why
do you always feel anxious and sort of weirdly needy? Because my friend, they aren’t giving you
what you
need. And never will.
So
do not idealize him, and do not blame yourself. You escaped! You avoided spending more
time with a love fraud!
I once spoke with a woman who’d been dumped as unceremoniously as
Miranda was,
and listened to her litany of self-blame -- she’d “wasted years of my
life”
with this man; she’d “made a mess” of the relationship, she “should
have known
it wouldn’t work out.” Awash in misery, I couldn’t get her to rejoice
in the
fact that she had a chance, now, to find a man able and willing to love
her
back.
Today,
though, I find women recovering quickly and not beating themselves up.
Best of
all -- I find them saying they feel better than they did before they
wrestled
with their Drama Kings! The hundreds of women I’ve spoken with over the
years
do NOT stay permanently depleted by these guys: In fact, post-Drama
King,
strong women only get stronger. They seem to have developed steadily,
cumulatively, through their relationships with Drama Kings -- no matter
how
long it lasted or how dramatically it ended. It’s as if the adult
woman’s self
grows more resilient, more durable -- stronger -- through even the
knottiest,
nuttiest relationships -- just as a child’s self grows. Kids get
through
developmental difficulties by working through issues of attachment --
and so, I
believe, do adults. It’s as though the developing personality is like
kindling,
needing to rub against another personality in order to create the spark
that
ignites the ever-growing self. That’s why you will move on from your
Drama King
ready for love sooner than you think -- growing ever more proficient at
finding
a man who’s able to share center stage; and able to love you back.
Avoiding
a Drama King in the future requires holding on to the sense memory of
what it
feels like to be with one. You have to know your responses, and pay
attention
to them. That’s why I always ask women, Do you feel exhausted when
you’re around
him? Lonely? Do you feel as if you’re banging your head against the
wall
whenever you try to have a discussion? You must remember these
questions, and
any "yes" answers, because they’re specifically associated with Drama
Kings.
One
more thing: When you begin to feel sad all over again, and tempted to
play the
self-blame game, keep this in mind. An involvement so important that
you wanted
it to last forever is not a “waste of time” because it did not. Few
relationships last forever, and the criteria for success have to
reflect the
realities of the 21st century. That year-long relationship with the guy
you
loved in college; that fabulous sex you had with the adorable cameraman
from
We
must never, ever, devalue our effort at making love work -- to say
things like,
“All that work for nothing,” or “I gave him the best years of my life,”
as if
time alone were the measure of love. We must respect the effort and the
time we
put in. The measure of love is your capacity to offer it openly, and to
have
the intimacy skills necessary to have the connection that you crave --
and a
man’s ability to do the same.
Most
men have the same capacity.
I
think that our attraction to Drama Kings, those men who haven’t caught
up with
us yet, men who have rigid, outdated views of love and life, may be
hardwired,
a built-in responsiveness to different types of familiar, traditional,
masculine stereotypes. We can only move past our training by grappling
with one
or two. And we all do. And we all wind up exhausted and lonely and
wishing we
could find someone else, someone who is able to love. And then,
stronger, more
clearly focused, we move on.
There
are fabulous 21st century men out there who know that love isn’t solely
a
woman’s job. They have learned intimacy skills. They know that 21st
century
women are very happy to please them, but that the pleasure must be
returned --
that women want to be pleased, too. They know, too, that the days of
standing
by your man no matter what are over.
Copyright
© 2005
Author