FSB Author Article
I
Thought It Was Just Me
Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture
of Shame
By Brené
Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.
Published by Gotham Books
February 2007;$26.00US/$32.50CAN;
978-1-592-40263-2
Shame manifests itself in many ways. Addiction, perfectionism, fear, and blame are just a few of the outward signs that Dr. Brené Brown discovered in her six-year study of shame's effects on women. While shame is generally thought of as an emotion sequestered in the shadows of our psyches, I Thought It Was Just Me demonstrates the ways in which it is actually present in the most mundane and visible aspects of our lives -- from our mental and physical health and body image to our relationships with our partners, our kids, our money, and our work.
We live in a culture that tells us we must reject our bodies, reject our authentic stories, and ultimately reject our true selves in order to fit in and be accepted. After talking to hundreds of women and therapists, Dr. Brown, in I Thought It Was Just Me, illuminates the myriad shaming influences that dominate our culture, and explains why we are all vulnerable to shame.
Outlining an empowering new approach that dispels judgment and awakens us to the genuine acceptance of ourselves and others, I Thought It Was Just Me begins a crucial new dialogue of hope. Through potent personal narratives and examples from real women, Brown identifies and explains four key elements that allow women to transform their shame into courage, compassion, and connection. Shame is a dark and sad place in which to live a life, keeping us from connecting fully to our loved ones and being the women we were meant to be. But learning how to understand shame's influence and move through it toward full acceptance of ourselves and others takes away much of shame's power to harm.
It's not just you, you're not alone, and if you fight the daily battle of feeling like you are -- somehow -- just not "enough," you owe it to yourself to read this book and discover your infinite possibilities as a human being.
Author
Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W., is an educator, writer, and
nationally
renowned lecturer, as well as a member of the research faculty at
the
University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work, where she
recently
completed a six-year study of shame and its impact on women. She lives
in
Houston, Texas, with her husband and two children.
For more information, please visit www.brenebrown.com.
Reviews
"Shame is a profoundly debilitating emotion. It drives our fears of
not
being good enough. We can learn to feel shame about anything that is
real about
us -- our shape, our accent, our financial situation, our wrinkles, our
size,
our illness, or how we spend our day. I Thought It Was Just Me is
an
urgent and compelling invitation to examine our struggles with shame
and to
learn valuable tools to become our best, most authentic selves.
Grounded
in exceptional scholarship and filled with inspiring stories, this is
one of
those rare books that has the potential to turn lives around."
--Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., author of The Dance of Anger
"Brené Brown has written an insightful and informative study of a
subject that leaves many women feeling trapped and powerless. Her
analysis of
how women are often caught in shame, is in itself liberating, and her
thoughtful
suggestions will help readers continue to free themselves from
emotional
debilitation in ways they may not even realize are possible. I
Thought It Was
Just Me can be a doorway to freedom and self-esteem for many, many
readers."
--Martha Beck, Ph.D., columnist, O: The Oprah Magazine, and
author of Finding
Your Own North Star
"Brené Brown's ability to explore shame and resilience with humor,
vulnerability, and honesty is both uplifting and liberating. If we want
to
change our lives, our relationships, or even the world, we must start
by
understanding and overcoming the shame that keeps us silent. This
important and
hopeful book offers a bold new perspective on the power of telling our
stories."
--Professor Jody Williams, 1997 Nobel Peace Prize recipient; campaign
ambassador, International Campaign to Ban Landmines
"This is an important and inspiring book that offers understanding
and
validation to the painful feelings that come with the beliefs that we
are not
good enough or we should be different than who we are. Brené Brown
walks us on
a path that releases the shackles of inadequacy and leads us the
embracing our
authentic selves."
--Claudia Black, Ph.D., author of It Will Never Happen to Me
Excerpt
The following is an excerpt from the book I Thought It
Was Just
Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame
by Brené
Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.
Published
by Gotham Books; February
2007;$26.00US/$32.50CAN; 978-1-592-40263-2
Copyright © 2007 Brené Brown
Authenticity
What is authenticity? We may not know how to define it, but we
certainly know it when we see it. In fact, when we are in the presence
of an authentic person, many of us can even feel it in our bones. We
gravitate toward people whom we perceive as honest, real and sincere.
We love women who radiate warmth and that "down to earth" feeling. We
gather around the people who can "tell it like it is" and laugh at
themselves in the process.
Authenticity is something we revere in others and strive to maintain in our own lives. We don't feel good about half-truths, disingenuous connection and fearful silence. We all want to have a clear sense of who we are and what we believe and to feel confident enough to share that with others. I've always liked the saying "We want to feel comfortable in our own skin."
Shame often prevents us from presenting our real selves to the people around us -- it sabotages our efforts to be authentic. How can we be genuine when we are desperately trying to manage and control how others perceive us? How can we be honest with people about our beliefs and, at the same time, tell them what we think they want to hear? How do we stand up for what we believe in when we are trying to make everyone around us feel comfortable so they won't get angry and put us down?
Social work educators Dean H. Hepworth, Ronald H. Rooney and Jane Lawson define authenticity as "the sharing of self by relating in a natural, sincere, spontaneous, open and genuine manner." We cannot share ourselves with others when we see ourselves as flawed and unworthy of connection. It's impossible to be "real" when we are ashamed of who we are or what we believe.
Shame begets shame. When we sacrifice authenticity in an effort to
manage how we are being perceived by others, we often
get caught in a dangerous and debilitating cycle: Shame, or the fear of
being shamed, moves us away from our authentic selves. We
tell people what they want to hear, or we don't speak out when we
should. In turn, we feel shame for being dishonest, misrepresenting
beliefs or not taking an important stand. You can see the cycle
in these quotes:
- I sometimes say whatever people need me to say. If I'm with my
liberal friends I act liberal. If I'm with my conservative friends, I
act
conservative. I guess I'm so afraid that I'll say something that upsets
someone that I just go with the flow. It makes me feel very shallow and
dishonest.
- My faith is a very important part of my life. I want to feel free to talk about my spiritual beliefs just like people talk about their politics or their social beliefs. But I can't. If I even mention the word church, people get offended. They look at me like I'm crazy and I'm trying to convert them. I used to have a voice mail message at work that said, "Thanks for calling, have a blessed day," My boss made me erase it because it was "offensive." The people in my office use the ''f-word" all day, but they try to make me feel like I'm the outcast because I say "blessed."
- As a Japanese-American woman I constantly hear people make
sweeping assumptions about Asian women. Some of them portray us as
perfect minorities -- smart, hardworking and overachieving. Some of the
stereotypes are sexual in nature -- Asian women are often portrayed as
both permissive and submissive. All of these assumptions and
stereotypes diminish our humanity. I often want to say something, but I
feel too much shame. It's partly because of my culture and partly
because I'm a woman. I'd like to speak out more often, but it is very
difficult and makes me feel very vulnerable.
- I work with a group of men and women who are absolute bigots.
They always say demeaning stuff about minorities. They tell horrible
jokes and send around racist e-mail messages. I'd report it to the
human resources manager, but he's the worst of the bunch. One day I was
in the break room and a small group of these people told a horrible
joke about the gay man, Matthew Shepard, who was beaten to death in
Laramie, Wyoming. I didn't laugh, but I didn't say anything either. I
just looked down. I felt horrible. When I watched The Laramie
Project on television I cried the entire time. I kept thinking,
"Why didn't I say something? Why didn't I tell them how hurtful they
were being?" I was really ashamed of myself.
- I watch the news and read the newspaper. I'm very interested in
politics and what's going on in the world. I try to think through my
opinions and my positions before I talk about them, but invariably, I
screw up. I get nervous when someone disagrees with me or challenges my
facts. Sometimes I react by shutting down and sometimes, if I really
feel backed into a corner, I get louder and more emotional. Either way,
I look stupid. I hate it. Why do I have to practice? Why can't I just
say what's on my mind?
- Over the past two years I've become trilingual. When I'm at work I use "white language." When I'm at home I speak naturally, like we did growing up. I recently met new friends at church and they shunned me at first because my natural speech was not "black enough." I quickly started speaking a third language so they wouldn't think I was trying to act white. It is one thing to not feel "real" in the white world, but it feels far more dishonest to change who you are to feel accepted by members your own community.
Below is a list of the messages and expectations that women described in relation to speaking out. If we look at the characteristics of authenticity -- natural, sincere, spontaneous, open genuine -- we can start to see how difficult authenticity can be if we try to filter our actions and thoughts through these narrow expectations.
- Don't make people feel uncomfortable, but be honest.
- Don't sound self-righteous, but sound confident.
- Don't upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings, but say what's on your mind.
- Don't be offensive, but be straightforward.
- Sound informed and educated, but not like a know-it-all.
- Sound committed, but not too reactionary.
- Don't say anything unpopular or controversial, but have the courage to disagree with the crowd.
- Don't seem too passionate, but don't come off as too dispassionate.
- Don't get too emotional, but don't be too detached.
- You don't have to quote facts and figures, but don't be wrong .
On the face of it, they seem ridiculous -- they are completely contradictory and totally subjective. Who gets to define offensive or emotional? What is too passionate and what is too dispassionate?
These "rules" are built around rigid gender roles that leave women with very little room to navigate expectations while maintaining authenticity. If we break one of these rules, we are automatically labeled and stereotyped. If we assert ourselves, we become the pushy, loudmouthed bitch who everyone loves to hate. If we clarify or correct, we become the arrogant know-it-all who no one can stand to be around. If we're honest about something that is taboo or makes other people feel uncomfortable, we're labeled as a weirdo or freak. If two women get into a heated political debate on television, it's a "catfight." Whereas, if two men get into the same debate, it's a lively discussion on important issues. When we start to examine the messages and expectations that fuel our unwanted identities, it's easy to understand how shame can undermine our authenticity. We simply can't speak our truths when we are held hostage by what other people think.
From I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST
ME: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame by Brené
Brown. Copyright (c) Brené Brown, 2007. Reprinted by arrangement
with Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA), Inc.