Excerpt
from Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again
by Roberta Temes, PhD
Strange Things are Happening
Are You Having Visitation Dreams?
Visitation dreams seem like visits from your loved one. During your first months after the death, the dreams may be of illness or whatever it was that caused the death. Later on, though, the dreams usually reflect a lighter and happier time.
You will see your beloved in your dream and he will be alive. Perhaps he'll be much younger than when he passed away, or perhaps he'll be as he was. Often such dreams are in bright color and show plenty of action.
Many bereaved people look forward to the night so that they can experience a visitation dream. In some cultures, visitation dreamers believe they are in touch with the spirit of the deceased. For most Americans, though, these dreams help to maintain their connection with the deceased. The dreams are proof that the relationship endures, even after death.
Are You Having Flashbulb Memories?
Flashbulb memories are memories of a specific important event that are as clear as if they were photos on your brain. You will always remember details of certain incidents. You may remember precisely where you were and what you were doing when you heard about the terrorist attacks on 9/11. If you are older, you may remember where you were when President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. And now, you probably have flashbulb memories of the death or your response to it. You won't have to search your brain for information about the death because the memories are as clear as snapshots.
Author Ann Hood in her book Comfort recounts a flashbulb memory of her grief response after the death of her daughter:
At first, grief made me insane. . . . That is me making that sound which is both inhuman and guttural and the most human sound a person can make: the sound of grief. . . . That is me running, zigzagging, trying to escape what is inescapable: Grace is dead.As Hood demonstrates, it is perfectly normal and appropriate to clearly remember your extreme response to a hideous circumstance.
Are You Having Hallucinations?
Do you think you hear the footsteps of your loved one? Do you smell his aftershave lotion? Do you hear your deceased child calling your name? Do you hear your mother's voice? If you so desperately want to hear your deceased husband's car pull into the driveway, you probably will hear it one sad day. It's normal to occasionally "forget" that the dead person is permanently gone. The hallucination helps maintain the feeling that your loved one is nearby. Some days you need that feeling. Reports of ghosts and of
successful séances may be attributed to the urgent need to be close to the deceased. This is nothing to worry about.
Are You Forgetting About the Death?
Some of your behavior is propelled by habit. You are so accustomed to interacting with the person who is gone that sometimes you continue those interactive habits. The widower, alone in his home, upon hearing the phone ringing shouts, "I've got it, hon." He is simply repeating a habit of decades. Also, the widow who erroneously sets the dinner table for two is repeating a habit of decades.
According to statistics, for the first few months after the death of a spouse, the surviving mate often embarrasses herself when she realizes she is looking for him in a crowd. This habit, too, goes away.
Suggestions from Judy in Georgia
My tip is do not stop talking to her just because she died. I love talking to my mother every day. Of course I know she is gone, but talking as if she is in the car with me on the way to and from work makes all the difference. It makes it possible to go into the office and do a good day's work. When you keep talking, you keep connected.
Suggestions from Arnie in New Jersey
My advice is when you leave your house put on the television. That way when you return you won't hear the silence and you will have something to distract you right away.
The above is an excerpt from the book Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again by Roberta Temes Ph.D. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.
Solace: Finding
Your Way
Through Grief and Learning to Live Again, © 2009
Roberta Temes, Ph.D. All rights reserved.